How this all began...

After my trip to Ghana, I came home to realize that I don't feel quite right in Canada anymore, in particular, Calgary. Something about the world was scary to me... Calgary is a city that is very self-centered, cold, and reserved. Most people only care for themselves, and those actions are evident in areas such as driving, line-ups, people telling stories (about themselves), opinions on various things, people walking down the street with earbuds in... Granted, I'm also guilty of blocking out the world via earbuds when I'm traveling around the city on my own, however in my defense, what I need to say will fall on deaf (or already occupied) ears.

As a result, I find myself terribly alone in this country.

Not only that, but I work in a restaurant while I'm not in school. This adds to the loneliness, as I work nights and during weekends, so where it was terribly difficult to connect with people for a person in a similar situation, it is damn near impossible for me to do it now. Something about going to Africa changed me, too... I don't see things the same way anymore. Some people's comments or opinions really bother me and I can't seem to connect with people on this front either. Rather, their comments and opinions hurt my heart and push me away.

Life isn't black and white for me anymore. It's not ethnocentric. We aren't the center of the universe, contrary to popular belief. There are people around us, people who carry equal influence and importance. Maybe the sheer recognition of this fact is why I feel alone...
or set apart...
or something.

In an attempt to calm my heart, keep my sanity, and cope with this loneliness, I decided to (re)learn how to be alone. The other day, I re-learned how to crochet, and made this: my first coffee cozy. 

Feeling inspired, I bought a ton of beads and yarn. I want to outlet my feelings into something constructive instead of sitting around and moping or whining or crying. I want to get back into artwork. I miss having people ask me to do things like design them a tattoo.. there's no greater feeling than knowing what you have to offer is appreciated.

And hey, maybe that's what I crave, ultimately. So ... "Systematic Chaos" is my creativity blog.

It is also one of my favourite albums by one of my favourite bands, Dream Theater. 

<3